If you knew my story

If you only knew my story, you wouldn't feel that way. What way? Any way but compassion and love and wanting the best for me. We look in from the outside and we see people through our lens. Our lens is colored by our own experiences and heartaches; failures and successes alike. When we look at a person on the outside of us our impression of them mostly has to do with how we feel about ourselves rather than how we actually feel about them. I can't tell you how many times someone has said something to me like, "you think you are this... or you think you are that..." when actually nothing could be further from the truth. Your interpretation of my behavior could be completely off base even th

Parts of Me

If you are like me you only give away parts of yourself. I know how to love my animal, my child or my parents. When it comes to loving someone with me having something to lose it seems to be much harder to commit to giving more than a part. We reserve the whole, or at least I do, to avoid the devastation of losing it all. To me, to "lose it all", is about losing hope. I always say heartbreak is less about losing love than it is about losing dreams. When you love someone you have dreams for the future and plans for tomorrow. When things don't work out you must deal with the death of those dreams and the end of expectation. As a person with great vision and strong expectations, that feelin

The Center of Me

I need to find the center of me. Right now the sounds around me are so loud and each and every situation causes me to feel distracted, like I'm in a tornado of sorts. There are so many balls in the air and so much white noise but I truly need to find the center. The center of me is that place of peace. It is the place that understands that everything is working together for my good. I know this inside and I have seen each time the reality that this is true but sometimes we unravel like yarn and lay out on the floor seeming to go in a hundred directions at once. This is what you call not seeing the forest for the trees. When you look at each tree separately you forget that all of the tree

I'm mad at me

Anger.... it's an interesting thing. From what I understand it is a secondary emotion. That means we are usually feeling something totally different than anger but use that emotion to protect ourselves from revealing the true vulnerable emotions we are feeling. We may not even be aware that we are feeling hurt if anger is our go-to place. We just get "mad" and "go off". As it relates to anger, I realized recently that I was angry about certain things but never expressed that. I rarely if ever showed it to others because I was not comfortable with anger being an emotion for me at all. This is probably because I know so many people who use it to control others. Loud volume and harsh wor

I do what I want

Good morning, Here is just a little note to say, I DO WHAT I WANT. I do what I want because I'm the only one dealing with the consequences and/or the benefits of it. Everyone wants to think they are a "good person". Some people are inherently polite; meaning they say and do the "right" things for other people to think they are good. They smile at the right times and only laugh at a certain decibel. Many people prefer their personality because of their propriety and that is their reward. They like how it feels to be approved of. Well, news flash - That ain't me. I am a creative person. I grow and I learn though my experiences and I express those concepts to the world. My freedom brings

The Player

Mood: Irritated. In all of life, we must play a game. When we go to work, we are conditioned to behave in a way that is professional. In social settings we learn to follow social norms to be accepted; and in relationships, we play the game of hiding until we are comfortable. Those are normal games that people play in order to go with the flow and fit in. In truth, society does need structure in order to function properly and so to some degree I agree that the game must be played. There is another type of game though that is not needed nor is it acceptable. That game is the game of deception. People deceive to gain from other people without having to pay the cost of that gain. For instan

That green eyed monster

Ok ok, so I put a picture of myself here ONLY because I have green eyes and not because I relate to the title of this blog. Being jealous of other people, even with all of the problems I've had in life, is not really my thing. I have a unique understanding. I really believe God placed me on this earth with a specific purpose, through which He guides me daily. I am in it right now. I live it and it is beautiful, with all of its imperfections. Because of this, I don't really think about the thing you have that I don't. I don't want your looks or your car or your house. I can admire all of those things but I know that the price you paid is different from the one I paid. We took separate roa

It's Not About YOU

How many times has it happened? You walk into a room and you can feel it, The eyes are on you or you get a negative "vibe" from someone. It feels personal, right? Why don't they like you? What have you done wrong? Probably nothing. My mother used to say everyone sees life through their own "filter". To me that means that no matter what you say (outside of it being intentionally malicious), or your intent, the processing of information is subjective to the processor. The person looking at you is looking through their own lens, whether you like it or not. Don't get me wrong, you can invite problems into your situation. For instance, you can walk into a soccer game with a bunch of socce

I love you

I love you. Those three words have built societies and ruined them too. That phrase is one of the most powerful phrases that is known. People will fight wars for people who have said it, people will kill to protect those for whom they feel it and abandon their comfort and lifestyle just to know it. To know love is beautiful. It makes you feel like life is worth it; to have someone who loves you is one of the most comforting things and it seems too, one of the most difficult to find. When you find it, hold on. If you have yet to find it, hold on. Life will bring love to you when it's right. It will be everything that you want but there is something that must be addressed first. It is tha

With or without me

I want you to look into another's eyes and see love. I want you to be touched and know ecstasy. I hope that every dream of yours is discovered in this life. I want you to cry because you are so happy and laugh until your sides hurt, to be kissed with such passion that it warms you.... I want all of this for you with or without me. When you truly love someone you feel this way. I feel this way for my child and I feel this way for everyone I love. I laugh when they do; I cry because they hurt. I never want them to fail because that is me failing through my love. I want their dreams to come true because everyone succeeds when they do. The world is a better place when people find love, a

Listen to the silence

Close your eyes. Listen to something outside of yourself that is not designed to condition you: Meaning not the lyrics of a song or a video on YouTube and not the Housewives on Bravo. Just listen to the silence. In this time, the birds are waiting to be heard, the wind still whispers too but we can't hear it anymore. We are so distracted by the voices of others and the things online and the TV that we never stop to really hear. We don't reach into ourselves anymore and find answers. We reach out to others and we avoid God. Many of our answers and blueprints to our platinum dreams, are right there in the silence. I decided to take each morning and spend just 5 minutes of silence in a parti

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