Parts of Me
If you are like me you only give away parts of yourself. I know how to love my animal, my child or my parents. When it comes to loving someone with me having something to lose it seems to be much harder to commit to giving more than a part. We reserve the whole, or at least I do, to avoid the devastation of losing it all.
To me, to "lose it all", is about losing hope. I always say heartbreak is less about losing love than it is about losing dreams. When you love someone you have dreams for the future and plans for tomorrow. When things don't work out you must deal with the death of those dreams and the end of expectation. As a person with great vision and strong expectations, that feeling is almost irreconcilable for me. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the type of person that puts their mind to something and gets it done. I am compelled by the "no" or people thinking I can't do something and proving them wrong. Love is not like that. It is about two people on two separate journeys coming together and trying to stay on one road together. That is the riskiest thing I can think of. People grow and change and decide this is not what they wanted. They move from house to house or city to city or change their hair color. I don't want to be changed like paint on a house. '
My solution has always been to love those with more to lose than me. It felt like there was safety in that. Before I thought I could always let things go knowing that I was ok; I was the prize and things fell apart but I was better off after all. I am empty after that; feeling as if I have never experienced the depth of love that others do.... and longing for it. I want an all encompassing passion for another human being, one that doesn't want to let go. I want to look into the eyes of another and know that this is my soul mate. I've seen it in others and now that is part of my life goal. My solution then has become to partner with someone with the same commitment principals as I have. That is my only true safeguard... as if there really is one.
The next time I "love" it will be for sure. I will choose a partner who doesn't want to split in the long run and that is their goal. I want someone who wants someone for a lifetime because now I do. I want the love that holds hands in the park at 80. I want to stand over your grave or you stand over mine and one of us say the words, this was my true love. I will have it. Of course, there are never any guarantees. I know that and I'm ok with it NOW. That is part of the ride. I cannot leave this realm without knowing it once. For sure, for real.